the way you left

ph: Ashley Ree

Dear A,

I started out freshmen year at university confused, alone and plagued with insecurities. Looking back I realize that I was even more lost than I felt at the time. Time passed and the semester ended on a bad note with dismal grades and a self esteem that had hit rock bottom. That is when I met you, I do not know what it was about seeing you and meeting you for the first time- something seemed to perk up inside me, something happy. From that day on you gave me something to look forward to. You helped me, motivated me and slowly pieced me together, with you I was better. Lying in your arms, watching you sleep, I remember hugging you tight and wishing for time to stand still. I remember wishing not to lose what I had with you and for once, not to mess things up. Months went on, our relationship stabilized and you became a part of me, I had found my safe place in this new country, finally. I had found someone to count on. I was happy.

But a part of me knew it, in the midst of all the hugs, the kisses and the piggy back rides I could feel you slipping away at times and even the thought of it made me ache on the inside. Our first summer apart was when my doubts were confirmed, you started pulling away and I struggled to stop you from doing so. You were never the kind to change your mind and you left. You left with an email. When I asked you for a conversation, you repeated the sentence, "I think we should just be friends" as the only reason to every question I asked. All I wanted from you was a little more, all I wanted from you was to maybe call me once in a week, maybe just talk to me. You shut me out like I meant nothing. I could have been better, a more loving and rational girlfriend, but I apologized so many times, why did you go so far away that you couldn't even hear what I was saying anymore? Why did you just leave? Why did you intentionally stop yourself from feeling what you feel for me? I asked you these questions with tears streaming down my face, the same tears which you couldn't bear to see at a time, meant nothing to you now. Losing you hurt, but the way you left broke me. Why couldn't you explain to me, what was on your mind. Why were you so heartless?

I will not blame you for what happened, I will blame myself and my heart which went too far on its own. I could never properly explain to you or anyone, the extent of the pain that the email you sent me caused. The raw, empty feeling inside of me as it ate away at me and how it still does, even after a year. I wish you knew, not to make you feel guilty but just to maybe tell you again how much you made me feel. You have never been one for feelings.

I thank you for holding me together when I most needed it and I wish you had given our relationship a chance. You were my first real love and a part of me will be with you, if not forever, it will for a long time.

I miss you everyday.